Out my window I saw my twelve year old son helping his three year old sister to hold and swing the pickleball racket while throwing the ball in the air. It was a welcomed delight to observe with the internal smiles of a mom grateful for her children and their bond. I quickly grabbed my phone to record the moment out my window with my purple flowers adding a beautiful backdrop in view. A moment in time to cherish and a pause to capture what goes by so fast. I thought to myself, “out my window.” There was something significant about this moment to now tell the story.
My kitchen view where I am often with dishes or preparing, I can look out my window and see my boys playing basketball in the driveway. Out my window I can see my daughter running, chasing her brothers or riding her bike. I can see my husband driving up and my kids slamming doors as they run in from school ready for a mid afternoon early dinner. l was looking out my window in this moment reflecting on forty three, more than two decades with my husband, and three children later and the time that has passed. What I have seen and what I will see out my window. In between the window is pane, p-a-n-e. You know the single glass in between a window made up of multiple glass panes, usually rectangular joined together and separated by molded wooden white strips (definition by internet -Haha)! There is pain, p-a-i-n in between my window too, at least that was my start and has been in some of my in between too. I imagine out every window we have a view of life’s pain and pleasures.
I grew up with much of what I remember as struggle and dysfunction. I do have a highlight reel of some childhood memories: grandpa dressing up as Santa, a gigantic stocking hung in my backyard when I had the flu dropped from Santa’s sleigh, a pink skip-it ankle jump rope and Myrtle Beach trips. I lived much of my childhood in fear. Growing up was mostly unstable, inconsistent and survival. My mom and dad divorced and I lived trying to figure things out and fix things. This was my sense of control. While mom was busy working, I remember our neighborhood and having a lot of freedom to explore and find typical adolescent trouble. I had a neighborhood friend I could hang out with often watching MTV music videos. I also adopted all the neighborhood cats in my spare time. I loved roller skating every Friday night and anytime there were all night skates. It was just me and mom. I had a heart to both care and protect her. She had been through A LOT! My mom was an orphan, her mom murdered, dad dead from alcohol abuse that croaded his liver, her sister dead by suicide and we were all we had! Except we had a praying grandma! When I was thirteen she arranged for an overnight church camp where I encountered God for the first time and gave my life to Christ! I still remember the hymn, “Just as I am” as the conviction and presence of God wooed me down to the altar crying my eyes out. I came back so excited to share my faith but life was still challenging. A seed was sown….
When my mom remarried and we moved out to the country away from everything skating became scarce and I became the step daughter. I never really felt like I fit and after my brother was soon born and diagnosed with autism, he became the family priority. Those middle and high school years were awkward and at times very lonely. I didn’t get to play sports though I did make the cheerleading squad once! I always had big dreams in my heart wanting to be a journalist and took some risks participating in pageants including preliminaries for Miss North Carolina USA! Though I didn’t win I did receive 2nd place for my essay writing and public speaking in America’s National Teenager pageant! God had a plan!
I got busy with a serious boyfriend, getting a job at fifteen at the local country grocery store and stayed busy working and caretaking. I studied psychology at our local college residing on campus to get out of the house but close enough home if my brother or mom needed anything and because I wasn’t accepted to the UNC journalism program I had applied for. I eventually broke up with my boyfriend of four years realizing I was heading in the same direction of dysfunction and with a few boyfriends before too making significant adolescent mistakes. I took my first spring break of four years in college and a break from the three jobs I was juggling while studying. This is when I met my eventual husband! We moved to California for a few years while he started his career and I explored a life beyond NC and all the needs of the family. It was my first time ever on an airplane! After four years we moved back to NC to be closer to my family and we were married. I did grow close to my stepdad over time and was thankful for his love and care as best as he knew how. My favorite memory with him was making my husband shave his head before we moved to California “to prove his love” since he had yet to ring me. On our wedding day we were about to walk down the aisle together and he looked at me saying, “are you thinking about your dad?” I chuckled, “no, he’s standing right here beside me” and off we went!
I grew up not knowing what a healthy marriage and family looked like so it took time for us to learn. We are still learning! We bought our permanent home in NC and had our first baby boy in 2011 and our second boy in 2013. The time in between was full of travels, career, growth, life’s messes and unfortunately more trauma. After twenty one years my mom and step dad decided to file for divorce. The day my mom shared the beginnings of the separation, my aunt on my biological father’s side received a breast cancer diagnosis. She eventually died and my step dad took his life. They both were buried not many walking rows apart back in my hometown. The graveyard was the last place I saw my biological father at my aunt’s funeral who decided that was the day to permanently disown me. Death. Divorce. Disowned. I call that the 3’Ds. It was some years later when life caught up.
I began to become very sick battling anxiety and panic attacks. My body had stored so much fear and trauma that it could not endure. I couldn’t eat and was in full blown depression. I had grown close to God and had a lot of condemnation of my past sin and choices from living as a rebellious prodigal. I wanted my husband to share my newfound faith but when he didn’t I became frustrated and turned inward. I had found a local church where I had family and purpose. It was the very place I ran to when I was falling apart. When I was three days of no water and food, not sleeping and shaking uncontrollably; moments considering ending it all because the pain and fear was so intense the Lord intervened. I had been praying for God to please heal me. I was the woman who knew I just needed to touch the hem of His garment. I heard “get up!” It was gentle but firm. I knew I had to get up from both laying on the floor shaking and to begin again. And then a promise.
God assured me of healing but we would go the long way and by walking faithfully with Him He would use the ashes of my life to arise and help other women. Pain had met purpose in a moment! I slowly began putting one foot in front of the other. Learning how to eat again and swallow without feeling like I was choking. To sleep at night as the shakes became fewer and fewer. Medical care for determining allergies I was battling and food sensitivities. My body had stored trauma and through many resources and support it was going to take time for the body and nervous system to come out of survival mode, to heal and learn how to trust. I went through the valley of the shadow of death with some of the most intense and yet life changing encounters with God. I had to learn boundaries, how to properly take care of myself, and the principles of God’s word to be fully set free. I’ve had to work through inner healing; confession, repentance and renewing my mind. Yet through this process God has established my full and absolute trust, a bond unbreakable and firmly rooted in Him.
The promise to help women has birthed A.R.I.S.E from ash ministries where trauma certified coaching and care is provided to walk alongside women in their healing journey with prayer and encouragement. The heart of the ministry mission is for women to be healed of wounds, encountering God’s love and fathering while supporting in rebuilding family by God’s design and process. Movement & Mind Renewal group coaching supports women in prioritizing movement while renewing minds in Christ identity. I often share the many testimonies, my window p-a-n-e through I love to tell the story blog features. Though my acceptance was denied for journalism studies I instead now journal for Jesus!
God has restored me to health with ongoing care and resources as I work through the effects of complex trauma. He has blessed me with a little girl recently in 2022, now a preschool mom again learning and hopefully better able to share some of the lessons I’ve learned including simply enjoying being a mom! My mom now lives close by for weekly generational playdates and is remarried and serving the Lord at her local church. Though my dad and I have not reconciled I often pray for him with total forgiveness in my heart. My brother is newly married and helps with the family business! My marriage is thriving and my husband attends church with me while my children are growing up experiencing a mother whole, free, loving God and praying fervently while pursuing healthy marriage and family and just being kids as I look out my window.
When you look out your window what do you see? Describe your window p-a-n-e.
Ashley Shuell, Journalist for Jesus ✍️
A.R.I.S.E from ash 